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Monday, March 26, 2012

Oh, for the love mom!

Ok so getting back on track with my history I am now on to my next fall, ER visit, hospital stay. Oh what fun it was...NOT.

I had come home from the stay for the blood clot Wednesday. I kept myself moving, I was really tired but planned to go back to work on Monday so I didn't want to get lazy. I was still staying with mom & dad and mom & I decided to go pick up a pizza late Saturday afternoon. She would drive of course, but I got to get out and get some fresh air. As I took a step out the back door I went down like a sack of taters. I felt it coming and there was nothing I could do, just go down and struggle to get back up after. I cried instead, then had them help get me up and to a chair. I called Dr Greasy, but he wasn't on call, one of his partners was, Dr Dick. When Dr Dick called me back he proceeded to tell me that GBS does not relapse and it was ALL IN MY HEAD. There was nothing wrong with me. Not to go to the ER because he would just send me home. So I hung up with him and called Dr Quack, he also was not on call and I talked to the neuro that was on call. Dr Suzie. She said she wouldn't treat me because I was Dr Quack's patient!

So I told mom & dad that if going back to hospital A. was not going to get me anything but dismissed like I'm nuts, I was going to hospital B. We went to hospital B to ER and explained what I had been diagnosed with and what tests were done and what treatments were tried and about the blood clot and what doctors I saw. I was admitted and they wanted to do more tests, which I expected. They had to give me FFP (fresh frozen plasma) to thicken my blood back up for what ever test they wanted to do. They did nothing quickly in this hospital. They left me in a room for aweek without any tests or procedures or treatments of any kind. Oh don't get me wrong, they ran just about every blood test known to man but nothing that seemed to need the FFP. All came back fine.

Week 2 I got moved to a private room because I'm allergic to flowers and the lady I was in a room with had a whole flower shop in the room. I was having trouble breathing and was put on oxygen. My night nurse freaked me out & I made my mom come stay nights with me. By week 3 I couldn't move anything but my head and that was only from side to side, I couldn't pick it up off the pillow. I couldn't even lift a finger, literally. I couldn't take care of my personal NEEDS and they were not bathing me. I smelled! My mom complained to the social worker and she had orders written to clean me. The fact that I couldn't take care of myself was bad enough but the degradation of having someone else do it for you is unimaginable.

So my mom had started staying with me most of the time because I COULD NOT feed myself or other personal hygiene needs, I cannot stress that enough. Unless you have been in that situation you can't understand. So she was there in the morning for breakfast to feed me, then she left & my friend Crystal (my sunshine) fed me lunch and mom came back to give me dinner & stay till I felt safe enough for her to leave & get some sleep too.

One particularly bad day Crystal was there during her lunch to feed me & visit with me. I am kinda ashamed to admit it but I put her through hell that day, but there was no way I couldn't do it. I planned my funeral. She held my hand while I cried and told her that I just knew I was going to die. I told her that under no circumstances was Amazing Grace to be played. I told her she was family & I wanted her to take care of my brother for me because I wouldn't be there to do it. My dad & brother would take care of mom but Michael would need someone. I told her she and my friend Laura needed to sort through my stuff because it would be too much on mom. And I cried more. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had held in all my fears and unleashed them on my BFF, my sunshine. I acceepted that I was dying and I needed to know my family was going to be ok.

She continued to hold my hand and let me get it all out then through tears and hiccups of her own she said "SHUT THE HELL UP! YOU are NOT going to die! You are my stubborn Cha-Cha and I love you, you WILL be ok." She was right of course, but I had some rough roads ahead of me still.

I didn't know it at the time but my mom thought I was going to die too. She called Michael after leaving me one night and cried to him so that she felt better. And I talked to his neighbor, a friend of ours, and she said she went to see him after he talked to mom that night and he was curled up in a ball on the couch rocking himself.

Crystal, my sunshine, if you read this I love you with all me heart and I'm so sorry for putting you through that. I know it was hard for you too. You will always be my sunshine.

Michael, my big bra, my god, I love you with all my heart too. Thank you for being the best big brother EVER. Oh and I'm adopted! (not really just an inside family joke)

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